Looking back now with a new perspective, I can laugh at these things over the past few months, but as they were happening, I felt like a total failure...
My home schooled daughter begged to "go to real school" on a weekly basis...
We left our two older kids with grandparents for 5 days to go to a wedding and the 4 year old was homesick and sad every single night...
I tried to bring all three kids to swimming lessons at a lake and the littlest one had to be pulled out of the water by another adult...
I've let many long-distance friendships fall to the back burner...
I've yelled at my kids. A lot.
I've served oatmeal and potatoes for dinner. At the same time. With nothing else...
I haven't seen my extended family as often as I should...
I completely flaked on a play date and it didn't end up happening...
I've set off the smoke detector while cooking dinner on more than one occasion...
I haven't put the time or effort into my marriage that my husband deserves...
I tried to do the 21 Day Fix exercise program and only lasted 17 days. Twice...
I've said things to people that I shouldn't have...
I missed my daughter's afternoon bus on the first day of school...
My baby fell down the stairs, ate things she shouldn't have and climbed to high heights...
My kids who are now both in school have asked to be home schooled...
But I cannot dwell on these things! I'm human. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I fail. I let the people around me down. But just because I fail at something, or fail someone else. or fail myself, it doesn't mean that I am a failure. I'm not. I know this.
And you're not defined by your failures either. Because there is something, or someONE, who is so much greater than these failures.
There is more GRACE in Christ than SIN in me. [Pastor Travis Bond]
Christ gives me grace. Even when I fail and make mistakes and don't give myself grace, I'm covered by His grace. And this is something that I need to hold onto. I need to remember this and repeat it to myself frequently. Maybe you do too? Grace. Let's give it to ourselves as Christ freely gives it to us. There is no sin or failure too big for grace. We just need to ask Him.
To go along with these failures and this grace, I've been thinking a lot and praying a lot over these past few months about what it is God wants me to do with my life. What our family should do with our lives. Where we should be, how we should spend our time, where we should go. I know that the decision is not really up to me. God has a plan. He's overseeing everything around me. He will make His will known.
But first, in order to get these answers, I need to surrender. I need to surrender it all to him. I need to just give it all to him. Not parts of it, or what I feel most comfortable giving to him, but all of it. His plans are way better than mine. [Thanks to this book I'm reading, surrender is a something I know I'm needing in my life.]
I'm definitely better at surrendering some parts of my life more than others. I feel like I have surrendered something to him, but then something else happens and I'm questioning myself like, "Was that really surrendered? Or was I acting in selfishness?" It's a constant work in progress. Just like I am a work in progress. But even when I don't surrender it all, there is grace. His grace.
So this is my prayer lately. That I will completely surrender to Him. I know that it will only be through this that I will truly feel His peace and grace. He gives His grace freely.
And as I was in the midst of writing this blog post yesterday, there was the most amazing sunset to close out the summer sky and welcome fall. And seeing it, I knew it was a sign from God.
I'm not failing. I'm working on surrendering. I can feel peace through His grace.
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